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Growing up with Domestic Violence
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Children are the silent victims of domestic abuse. Their voices may not be heard and their pain may go unnoticed. Witnessing the two most important people in their life hurting and being hurt damages the core of the child's emotional being.
Research has indicated that violent behavior is learned. A child tends to model the behavior of and/or identify with the parent’s methods for resolving conflict. After observing abusive behavior, the child learns that hitting, slapping etc. are effective and acceptable ways to resolve problems. As a result, a child may grow up and adopt the learned behavior by abusing a spouse.
Below you will find some of the characteristics and effects of children living with and witnessing domestic violence.
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Characteristics of Children
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Lonely
Isolated
Uses violence and threats to solve problems
Difficulty in developing close relationships
Blames self
Uses all energy to keep family secret
Trust is a problem
Fear of failure
Unusual degree of fear
Associates love and violence
Fear of abandonment
Need for attention
Trouble with authority figures
Runaway, express desire to leave home
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Feelings of Children
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Powerless because they can’t stop the abuse.
Guilty believing that they somehow caused the abuse.
Angry blaming Mom that it may somehow be her fault.
Helpless because they feel a need to help solve problems.
Confused because parents may try to get children to choose sides.
Afraid for themselves and all family members.
Isolated and insecure often making up excuses so they don’t have to go home.
Dishonest and embarrassed because they make up excuses to family and friends for Mom’s bruises/injuries.
Overwhelmed by the situation, often leading to poor school performance and avoiding friends.
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Ways to Help a Child
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Tell them that the violence is not their fault.
Give them an opportunity to talk about the violence.
Let them know you care about them.
Help make a safety plan which they can follow (see below for example of a child's safety plan.
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When I get scared I can think about_________________________________________
When I get scared I can go to______________________________________________
When I am feeling down or afraid I can talk to_________________________________
These are the safe exits from my house______________________________________
In an emergency I can____________________________________________________
These are the things I need to know in case I need to call 911:
My name ______________________________
My address____________________________
My telephone number_____________________
Type of emergency ______________________
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